=S

been very emotional yesterday.
he counted out my emotions for the day, being:
"angry because he got up late(actually not because he woke up late but i tot of what he did last nite*),
ok before going out for lunch,
happy when i'm eaing,
sad because i have nothing to do,
happy because he accompanied me to watch TV shows,
angry because he said smthing wrong,
expressionless because the saloon close and he can't cut his hair (because i've been telling him to go out earlier),
sad and cried dunno for what,
happy because he brought me to Giant,
smile because he bought me Cheezels,
very happy because he brought me to SMSC to feed the fishes with my sis though it was raining."

and he said he feels blissful and blessed
because he has a girl friend who can let him experience all the different emotions,
just in one SHORT day!
=S
p/s: perhaps it's because it is the end of November...

*He'd been out til very late on Saturday night,
saying that they were helping a fren out with his proposal to the gf.
I mean, i'm angry not because he got home late but, he HELPed out with other's proposal.*


I hate being the planner in our relationship,
but I love to control everything.
I must and I need to know what's going on now and then.

I must get everything planned beforehand,
perhaps it's because that's how i'm trained to be.


I need a PLAN.
show  me your plan,
our i'll get things planned.
that simple.

but i guess not everyone is brought up this way,
and so, it's not easy to expect others to do so.
It became a burden, worry or i would say,
it would end up to be a kind of 'weariness' which i can't cope with.

OR, because I love to get things planned,
and I want it to be planned according to my will,
I plan our thing,
and he just follow my plan, sometimes.

In fact, I know he can plan very well.
Or else, his marketing plan for his company's product wouldn't be a success and broke the target which the company has set!
I'm very very proud of him!
but  

why why why why why 

i can't c him planning for OUR future?
or he's not telling me the PLAN because....... because......
he wants it to be a surprise as he said, but i don't believe?

I started to get tired of planning.
for no feedback or response is given or shown.

and so, I plan for my own future.

i've been telling my besties that I'm having this thought:
"I wanna take the CLP again!"
cuz i wanna get in to government sector.
I wanna be on the TOP 20,
so that i'll be called by the AG Chamber.

what I get now,
is not enough to fulfill my dream.
I want better.

my frens kept asking me was that because i'm planning for OUR future,
but I told them i'm planning my OWN future.

to be honest, that doesn't mean that I'm counting him out
just that, i'm tired of counting in the uncertainties..

at least for my OWN plan,
I'm in charge of it.
I can minimize the uncertainties, the risk
and, the disappointments...

my CLP lecturer once told us that
getting in to this field,
please don't expect to make BIG money.
this is not a business,
it is a service field.
U can still change,
before getting in to the battlefield.

my response to that statement was:
WTH!
i've been working so hard all these while,
and i'm getting in to the CLP exam hall in 2 months' time
and u're telling me not to expect BIG money in this field?
come on, give me sm constructive and encouraging words..

fine.
he's right.
I seriously see no future despite hardwork in this field.
Oh, also,
negative thoughts is planted in me,
day after day, in the sense that:


Actz is making a lot more money than i do,
at least for now.
He's been telling me that what he earns now,
he's saving it and will use it for our future.
Maybe my work involves too much TRUTH of LIFE;


no matter how sweet the thing is,
no matter how much I believe his words and love for me FOR NOW,
i've been made to TRUST and KNOW that things will CHANGE,
nothing is consistent in this world,
despite CHANGES.

whether for better or for worse,
there'll be a change.

of course i pray for a positive change,
for i love him dearly.