Break in between my diary for Dec Trip

babe, suddenly.. a lot of things come across my mind.

when we have not start to get together... (oh my god.. dear.. i really miss u much)
*at this point, i stopped, and i called you. suddenly i feel that i'm so lucky, and i really glad that i can just call you and listen to ur voice when i miss you. wonder how could i live without you. *

Things that came across my mind, and it'll always stay in my mind, precious memory that will never fade... thank you, my dear.

September -November 2005
there was one night, we went to Lee Su Ming's house for graduation dinner i guess.. (basically it was a classmates gathering.) I went to fetch Peei, and she drove my car. cuz she said that her mom dun allow her to drive at night, and I dun wanna wear spec at night. So, I went to fetch her, she drove my car. There was a guy who says that it was our fault to cause him cut his car. As usual, I fight for my right. If i'm not wrong, I'll not admit, and I want the other party to admit it, not just compromising with me, but I want him to admit his fault. was I too ego? Not sure.. But this is me. When nobody help me, I will help myself. I talked to the guy. Peei just stood beside me. the guy even threaten to beat me. I was a bit frighten, but just dunno why, mayb girls like me, just doesn't like to show that we lose. I didn't cry, thou I felt scare and wanna cry, but i didn't. Cuz i knew that nobody bother to wipe my tears away. I was scare, I was weak, but I cannot show. no matter how, I had to take it, all by myself. I'm USED TO IT.

ALL THE TIME I WISH THAT I COULD RELY ON SOMEONE, AT THE SAME TIME, I KNEW IT VERY CLEAR THAT, I HAD TO RELY ON MYSELF.-- before i'm urs, i always think it this way. but now, u had ensure me that, no matter big or small thgs, i can come to you.

Dear, I hope u can also understand that, no matter how huge or how tiny ur prob is, you can always come to me as well. I might not be able to help you, but, at least let me share your burden. :)

In fact, Peei was the driver. mayb she was too afraid or what, or mayb she got you. She called you. She has someone to rely on. How i wish that I could have one as well.

after the dinner, we have to go to the police station. Peei dun wanna drive ridi, and you say u'll drive my car. ( i'm not sure it was because i can't drive as i din wear my spec, or u dun let me drive) there was another guy fren, i forgot who was that but i knew he was one of our classmate as well, followed us.
I dun rmb how, but I said i wanna sit beside the driver seat. I was kinda... not happy that time. cuz I was thinking. My car, and so, the problem was mine. and at that time, I dun understand why Peei keep on crying. Cuz for me, you guys were just there to "have fun" --凑热闹. I know the way i thk was weird but, well mayb it stems from the old principle of mine -- "my problem, i'll solve it myself. nobody will help me." that why, i dun feel like u guys were thr to help. mayb. dun really rmb. well well.. why do i mention all these? guess i wish to ask you, u were thr, but who were you for? me? or her? ----- i stil wish to know it now.
p/s: oh well... how stupid am i to ask this. sure u were for her.

December 2005.
Christmas Eve, i have a leave from NS. And, i promised to fetch you from the airport. You were with Peei that time, and you said u wanna give her a surprise, ask me not to tell her. we went to Peei's house at night, and you came to fetch me. In the car, you gave me the purple crystal bracelet. Before you gave it to me, i'm not sure u told me or i notice that u were wearing a black colour crystal bracelet as well. You said the purple crystal bracelet is my X'mas present. you asked me not to tell Peei. I'm not sure why do u give me that purple crystal bracelet, but for me, it meant smthg. cuz usually, bf and gf should have the same thing, but u chose to give me that bracelet, instead of giving it to Peei. U gave her smthg else. I'm not sure why, but i was kinda happy. I don't mean to be mean, but, i'm happy.

At Peei's house, u were trying to hide yourself, u went behind the big lorry. Peei came out, and she was surprised to see you thr. At that very moment, how i wish that thr are smbody that bother doing such thing for me. I envy her. I admit.

Kky was pursuing me during that period. And you knew that i don't like him. but, when you saw Peei, you just leave me behind. You dun even bother how i feel. when i see that both of you are happy, i can't stand it.. that time, i realize that i'd fallen in love with you, once again. however, i know i shouldn't. I ask you to send me home first, but you keep asking Kky to send me home, ask me to give him a chance. You knew it very well that I dun wan him to send me home. Kky wanted so much, to send me home, and you keep forcing me to follow him. Under such circumstances, I feel really bad... I'm very sad. but i din say anythg. From keep on refusing, I compromised with what you asked me to do. mayb you guys can tell from my face, knowing that i am sad, or perhaps, angry... (cuz i always look fierce when i din smile), you say u'll send me home and go back to her house.

I'm not sure what was in ur mind that time. Suddenly, u act like u cared for me so much, but suddenly, u just ignore me. mayb at that time, everyone tot i was stil in the past relationship. no one, not even me realize that i'd let it go, and liked you.

In the car, I din say anythg, I dun rmb whether you did or not, the only thg taht i rmb was.... I cried. the reason that made me cry, stays clear til now.. I was hurt. you hurt my feeling. But, you tot I cried because i miss Jax. I wasn't. I cried, because of what you did. I felt that i'm just one of ur chess. when you need me, you'll look for me. and after i help u to achieve what you want, you'll just push me away. you don't even care about how i feel, as long as you are happy with her.

luckily, all of these has passed. your heart is with me now, and i sincerely pray that, it'll always be with me.


January 2005
I rmb that, when i was in National Service, you cared for me a lot. something happened, and you broke up with peei. i'm not sure what happened outside, all that i get to know was thru you , and peei. sometimes, you'll come and pay me a visit on Sunday. I was very happy. someone cared for me.

- I came out from the jungle. I was very unhappy about that. cuz the captain lied to me and gwen. he promised us that we can stay in the camp, dun need to go into the jungle. thou we dun need to walk so far into the jungle nor do we need to sleep on the dirty mud, and we dun need to cook our own rice nor do we need to go n look for our own food. we were very upset. why???? cuz the nite before, we ate 泻药!!!!! damn! and in the jungle, whole nite, our stomach were very painful.. it was so suffering. as we tot we do not need to go into the jungle, and we sleep in the medic place, we can go to the toilet easily!!!!

all these became not imp, cuz you came to visit me. it wasn't saturday nor sunday. if i'm not mistaken, it was thursday. I'm not sure I asked you to come, or you say u wanna come. and you ask me what do i wanna eat, you buy for me. I was very happy. :) thanks dear. you added colour to my NS life. no... I should say.. you BROUGHT colour to my NS life cuz NS life was SUX!!!!!! no colour at all!!
you, and some of your fren came. :) you brought me food!! I was very happy.
gwen acc me to the canteen hall. :)


February 2005
- I was at Southern with my mom and bro, having our high-tea. suddenly, you called me. and you were outside Southern, with your frens. I rmb it very very clearly. YOU WERE WEARING LONG JEANS!!!!!! cuz all the while, you like to wear 3/4 pants. when i asked you, why are you wearing jeans, are you going anywhere? you said: " you said you like guys wearing long jeans rite? so I try to change my look lor... " oh my life.. thou you din tell me that you like me, I felt very happy.

-I tot u were just kidding when u say u'll come and accompany me to paint the wall of one of the church's room. I stil rmb that, it was 9 smthg in the morning, holiday. that time i was on leave from National Service. U came. and you accompanied for the whole day. I rmb you had many phone calls, i'm not sure who was calling you, but i guess you were kinda bc, I keep asking you to leave if you're bc, but u say nvm. :) God knows how happy I was that day.

In the afternoon, the youths ask for 3 点 3... so, we went out to buy some pao for them. we went to yam cha gai, and you went down to buy pao. and then, you bought me Milo Ice. :)
I'm not sure we were sharing the same drink or you just wanan try the Milo Ice, but I rmb very well that, I was very excited when you use the straw that I used. hAhahaha... and your saliva was thr!!!!! wahahaha...

- Cass was at my house, beautifying my eyebrow.. I received your msg. you say you wanna bring me out. and you asked me "DRESS TO KILL". I dun understand why. I tot we were juz going out for yam cha. and when you arrive my house, you ask me to change. you say you wanna bring us to Shore Room. So, we quickly change.
p/s: luckily i stil dunno how to make up during that time, or you hafta wait for hours. HAhaha..
that night, we shared the same cup of drink.


Chinese New Year 2005
- another day, you brought me to SR again. I felt very cold, and i rmb that it was after 12pm cuz it was some countdown thingy before that. mayb it was 年初一. I told cass that I felt very cold, wanna go out. Who knows, she told you, and you asked me to give you my hands. I refused to do so. and you said, just awhile, so I gave you one of my hand, and you warmed it up. After that, you hold my hands, under the table. I was looking at you. Not sure whether you saw it or not, I smiled. Lookind at you, I smiled. you hold my hands. As if I was your gf. you hold it so naturally, and talk with your frens.
- dunno whether it was the same nite or another nite, I told you to look for Peei, but not me. I asked you to msg her. you say u have no enuf credit. can't msg her. but u can msg. so I asked you why. you said, u'd added me in to your "family and frens"..I dun understand wat was that, mayb i was in NS too long, or wat.. and u explained to me, that senidng msg to FnF is cheaper, and you didn't add Peei. so, the credit was not enuf to msg her. :)

- another day. we (me, you and cass) went to J8. Peei was there, she asked me to go. she was a bit, just a lil' drunk. she lied on me. I tot she stil didn't know that me and you-- 暧昧.
after that, we left to 香香板面. you'd received msgs, but u dun bother it. and then Lai Yen Wen called me, asked me where are you. she was kinda fierce. she said that Peei was drunk and they were at SR. ask you to go n have a look. You refused. I kept on begging you to go, and you went. When we arrived , she was sitting outside. I walked to her, she pushed me away. I was very sad. she was angry with me. stayed there for awhile, and we left.
- you sent cass home, and then you brought me to Sabindo highway. we talked for quite a long time there. I was sad. and I guess you said that you like me or wat... those kind of things, and.. I say I promised Peei that I'll not be with you. and I said I was afraid that ppl will gossip about this. So, I don't want. I was crying that time. It was around 3 or 4am. You kissed me, suddenly.
the second time you kissed me, police came. lol... it was so scary, yet, a special experience for me!!! and you went down to talk to the police. haHAha..
at last, we give some bribe and they let us go. before leaving, the police said to you, "kalau mahu buat, balik rumah / pergi hotel" ... hahaha. this is funny.

- the next day, I followed Fabian to ah Phin's house, Peei was nth. she talked to me. I was afraid of her thou. I tried my best to fulfill all her request. Jenny came to me and said something to me, and she comforted me. I dare not to talk to you, when Peei was beside me.

- CNY afternoon, cass me you, we wanna play b.ball. so, we sent cass home so that she can change her clothes, and we waited outside her house. while waiting for her, you pointed to my hands. I knew tat u want me to give you my hands. but, i gave you the tissue in my hands. :) and you said "I don't want this. I want your hand". :) and you grabbed it, hold it for awhile. I quickly let go, when I saw cass coming. haHahah.. this kind of feeling is very special. It might not happen the second time, cuz it meant to be REMEMBERED. and everytime I think of it, i just couldn't stop smiling. cuz this is so sweet, for me.

could never forget how good u are in b.ball. even me and cass was trying to take the ball from u, u have ur way to keep the ball. I stil rmb how close we were, where in a sudden, I'm not sure how, I came in between your arms. :)

- you sent me home one night. usually, when you ask for good bye kiss, i will not give. but tht nite, I rmb I took the initiative. kiss on the cheek, good nite. :)


13February 2005
I hafta go back to the camp. I was stil with you in the morning. and in the evening, I hafta go back. At nite, you asked me to be your gf. :) and so, my NEW LIFE had started. never will I regret... :)

Love, always.